I’m going to use the words “victim” and abuser” here. I know, but bear with me. Let’s sit with this for a minute. These words are LOADED. And most people hesitate to use them in their own situation. But I think it’s important that we get more familiar with them. Most of the time, we think of an abuser as someone who hits, hurts, rapes, or otherwise physically injures their partner. This is often called Domestic Abuse or Intimate Partner Violence. The Centers for Disease Control reports that about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience intimate partner violence during their lifetime. 16,800 injuries are reported due to intimate partner violence annually. And those are just the reported ones. About 4000 women die every year due to domestic violence. 75% of those deaths occur when the victim attempts to leave or after the relationship has ended. (More on this later when we’ll discuss Post Separation Abuse). And this is what we usually picture, when we think of abuse. We think of victims as being physically harmed. And way to often, they are.

However, even more prevalent is EMOTIONAL or PSYCHOLOGICAL abuse. There are several forms of psychological abuse/violence. Psychology Today defines this as a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them. Gaslighting is among the most prevalent form. It can be quite insidious and may take years to identify. Gaslighting is a form of covert manipulation where an abuser denies your emotions and your reality, forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

Dr. Ramani Durvusala does a fabulous job breaking this down here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVBdWSPXyRw. Take a few minutes and listen.

Gaslighting can look like:

1- Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof. “I never said that. I can’t believe you are doing this to me. You are just trying to make me look bad in front of our friends”.

2- Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong (Our last president modeled this DAILY)

3- Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you. “Mark says you are judgemental and doesn’t feel safe around you”.

4- Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior, also called DIVERSION. Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out. Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault

5- Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions

6- Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior

7- Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”

8- Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

9- Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”

10- Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

If you have have experienced psychological abuse, you may:

• Having trouble making even simple decisions

• Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends

• Constantly second-guessing yourself

• Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you

• Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad

• Walking on eggshells around the other person

• Believing that you are too sensitive

• Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations

• Feeling lonely and trapped

• Doubting your own memory and sanity

• Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe

• Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time

• Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”

• Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become

• Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

• Source: Newport Institute